Two nights ago, my entry into sleep was filled with panic and fear. I had become so sedentary in my life throughout and post my PhD that I was gaining weight, feeling tired all the time, my breathing was labored and I had no energy to do anything but sit at my computer and ‘play’ with my eyes glued to a screen. What was I doing with my life? Where was my purpose? I am in a time zone where I have completed and submitted my doctoral thesis, awaiting the results and I have work lined up for next semester as a sessional at my local university. Life could not be better; but why was I feeling so anxious about who I am and what I was doing?
The following day, while sharing a coffee with my neighbor, I made the comment that we were getting up late these days. His reply was that it was natural given that it was the holidays. Over the day, I began to realise that maybe I was not in such a bad place because it was that week between Christmas and New Year where many institutions have shut down.
Last night I took some time to contemplate my fears and anxieties and turned to my cards. I drew the card: ‘Soaring into Joy’: Childlike wonder fills my life.
Celebrating my life joyfully, playing with joy just as a child can is what I need to do at the moment. Berating myself only enhances my fears and anxieties. Throughout last night I dreamed of joy; this morning I woke up singing: ‘I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart – where? Down in my heart…’and I have decided that each and every thing I do today, I will think of joy and allow that to come into my life.
Submitting my PhD was one of the greatest achievements in my life and the ‘waiting-game’ for results and graduation is hard because I have often felt directionless. The reality is I have everything I could possibly want in my life and it is time to celebrate the joy of what I have achieved, the joy of who I have in my life and the joy of who I am.